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| BabyBlew |
Posted: 2009/12/28 17:39 Updated: 2009/12/28 17:39 |
Virgin   Joined: 2009/8/11 From: Posts: 2 |
 Nice! Don't forget to take time for details-- even if the sex is more whambamthankyouma'am
lol
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| unending.desire |
Posted: 2009/1/11 6:08 Updated: 2009/1/11 6:08 |
Virgin   Joined: 2008/12/28 From: Posts: 14 |
 gr Hehe, who hasn't fantasized about someone walking in on them while getting out
of a shower. Oh my.
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| rockshorty30 |
Posted: 2008/4/20 22:44 Updated: 2008/4/20 22:44 |
Virgin   Joined: 2008/4/20 From: new zealand Posts: 6 |
 very good Yes i would of liked to read more so i hope you keep writing for us all. Thanks
its just topping up my undies with all the other stories i've been reading so
far.
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| shadowqueen |
Posted: 2008/3/14 20:42 Updated: 2008/3/14 20:42 |
Virgin   Joined: 2007/8/22 From: Posts: 9 |
 good god! Omg, very proud, good job on your story!
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| asajaybird |
Posted: 2007/12/2 18:15 Updated: 2007/12/2 18:15 |
Virgin   Joined: 2006/5/29 From: Florida Posts: 14 |
 good job Great first time story. Hot stuff!
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| goth queen |
Posted: 2007/11/28 19:13 Updated: 2007/11/28 19:13 |
Lusty Librarian's Pet   Joined: 2006/8/1 From: england Posts: 186 |
 woohoo for you for a firdt story it was good short and sweet and to the point it would of been
awsom if you had drawn out the forplay and the fucking but it reminds me verymuch
of my first story themoreofother peoplesworkyou read the better you will get
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| geekinthepink2 |
Posted: 2007/9/12 16:57 Updated: 2007/9/12 16:57 |
Flirt   Joined: 2007/4/9 From: Dundee, Scotland. Posts: 23 |
 that was gr8 well done for ur first i realli enjoyed it and look forward to loads more stories
:D xXx F xXx
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| shadowqueen |
Posted: 2007/8/29 18:11 Updated: 2007/8/29 18:11 |
Virgin   Joined: 2007/8/22 From: Posts: 9 |
 Nice! short and sweet, but could have more detail. Nice work! i will be expecting great
things!
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| ghostwords |
Posted: 2007/8/14 10:06 Updated: 2007/8/14 10:06 |
Lusty Librarian's Pet   Joined: 2007/8/8 From: Posts: 234 |
 Feedback Other than a few spelling glitches, my main advice would be to try exploring
your characters' motivations. Your male protagonist is understandably embarrassed
at walking in on Jessica and seeing her at least partially naked, but her reaction
comes totally from leftfield. If she's nervous, she doesn't show it; if she's
long wanted to fuck him, he hasn't picked up on it (which can be a fun subplot
in itself, but there weren't any clues for us, either). Yes, action is important,
but you need to put yourself into the situation to ensure it stays above the
level of a cheap porn flick.
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| justboycrazy45 |
Posted: 2007/6/4 1:16 Updated: 2007/6/4 1:16 |
Bookworm   Joined: 2007/3/27 From: Fort Valley,Geogia Posts: 97 |
 Great job newbie! That was a great first story from you. Can't wait to read more.
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| quapdown2 |
Posted: 2007/6/2 0:59 Updated: 2007/6/2 0:59 |
Flirt   Joined: 2007/5/19 From: Scottsdale,AZ Posts: 33 |
 Very good newbie I agree with Dragonfire this was pretty good for your first try. I see you only
getting better. I myself like more description but this story was short and sweet.
Good job!
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| DragonFire |
Posted: 2007/6/1 20:15 Updated: 2007/6/1 20:15 |
Lusty Librarian's Pet   Joined: 2007/4/16 From: Sadly, Ohio Posts: 232 |
 Great job Well, this may be your first submission, but it was really good. Keep writing.
I can't wait to see more!
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| danflyer |
Posted: 2007/6/1 18:39 Updated: 2007/6/1 18:39 |
Virgin   Joined: 2007/5/31 From: Lynchburg Virginia Posts: 1 |
 First Submission This is my first attempt at a story, i'm welcome for constructive critism. I
think that i could have extended the action a little bit.
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