| Straight: Husband and Wife: First time: last time (16/18) |
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She’d mentioned some more tests, so I assumed she probably had to be back at the hospital and wouldn’t want to disturb me, knew I needed a good sleep. I was sorry not to wake with her, bring her breakfast in bed, make love again… I looked down at my crusty, battle-weary penis and the reality hit me. What a fucking night! What a fucking woman! What a fuck! Amazingly, at that moment, I felt no guilt at all, just freedom. Freedom from the crushing weight that I’d carried around unknowingly for so long. I showered again and dressed, had a quick bowl of muesli and clambered into the car to make that familiar journey - this time feeling like a different, younger man: alive, renewed, reborn.
They said they’d tried ringing me. My home phone was off the hook – it turned out Regina had accidentally upset it last night as she ran for the stairs. I didn’t answer my mobile either – well I wouldn’t have, it was in my jacket in the back of the car. I was so totally absorbed with the night before, so full of myself after my conquest that I hadn’t even checked it for missed calls. At four a.m. Danielle had passed quietly away. Alone. She had died while I lay in our bed with another woman. I was totally, utterly abject, devastated. They took me to see her and I cried and cried. ‘I’m sorry, forgive me. Oh, my baby, my baby, I’m sorry, please… forgive me…’ I left the hospital in a daze and lived the next few days, but don’t remember them. I thought of Regina, but the pain and guilt now associated with her was simply insurmountable and the memory of her was too much for me to bear. I could never see her again. Over the following week I buried them both and tried to pick myself up and carry on, alone. VIII
The rail of clothes reappeared before me, smeared by the tears, out of focus. I had to sort through her things. I’d picked today to do it, chose the handbags as the least sentimental items. I’d made a start. Now I had different, more difficult, less tangible things to sort out. Because it was still in my hand, I started with the foolscap sheet. ‘Someone saved my life tonight… Sugar Bear’ Damn! Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Found the man of my dreams. Much older than the usual dickheads, older than my fucking dickhead dad, but he saved my life – what’s left of it. What a lovely guy. What a lover. Move over Elton! Yeah, I still love you, but not like this! This is the real thing. I’m happy for the first time ever - just when it’s too late. Fuck and fuck again. ‘Goodbye Regina Yes I did. Yes I fucking did! Goodbye, Regina. Yeah, Fuck off! They gave me such a crap name that they made me change it. So I’ve changed my name. Fucking Regina? Don’t want that on my headstone for eternity.  |
Re: wow.
