| Straight: Infidelity: A Walk in the Park (1/4) |
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The first time that you weren't there hardly registered. Nor the second. Why would it? We went to the same park at the same time of day to walk our dogs but that was, more or less, where our connection ended. Sure, we'd occasionally said 'hello' and exchanged a few details. For example, I knew that you worked from home and that was why it was important for you to get out of the house, to walk in the fresh air, to see people. I knew your work was something to do with computers but would it be awful of me to admit that as soon as you used that 'c' word my eyes glazed over and I heard no more? I didn't know you and you didn't know me. The third day that you weren't there I felt your absence. I'd waved my husband off to work as usual, taken the children to school and bundled the dog into the car to drive to the park. In the back of my mind I could feel excitement building. You'd be there today, surely? To this day I have no idea why I felt that way. I have no idea why you had taken such a place in my mind and, when you still weren't there, the disappointment took me by surprise too. For the next two weeks you gradually became more present in my head. Every day I hoped to see you. Every day I came home feeling let down. Every day I told myself to be sensible. For some reason I was becoming infatuated and I worked hard to control it. But then, two long weeks later, I pulled my car into the car-park and saw yours. I felt myself blush and my heart rate quickened. I don't think I've ever opened the car doors and attached the dog's lead so quickly. I knew I was being stupid... childish... but I had to find you. It didn't take long. You were walking your usual route. How was I going to play this? I didn't know what I wanted or why I felt this way. I don't think I even knew how I felt. I just knew that you had been taking up too much of my time while you were away and that I had to be near you. I unclipped the lead and my dog ran straight towards you. The perfect excuse for me to approach you. I ran up to where you were strolling and apologised for Pud's forward, over-familiar behaviour. As you smiled I suddenly knew what I had been feeling all this time, and what I was feeling more intensely now. I wanted you. I wanted this virtual stranger who stood in front of me. I suddenly realised that I didn't even know your name and yet I, respectable housewife and mother, wanted you. I felt a certain amount of shame, prickled with excitement at the thought of illicit liaisons. In fifteen years I hadn't felt this surge in the pit of my stomach for another man. I was happily married and satisfied wasn't I? ... Wasn't I? My sensible side was telling me that I was being silly and girlish. This sort of thing never happens. It won't come to anything. Oh, my life! How can I even be thinking |
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enjoyable
