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It was in many ways the beginning of the end. I was a broken man, hoping to mend myself with the company of others. What I found was a world of desolation, despair and loneliness. I clung to the hope that I was human, that they were human too. That we we’re just temporarily acting as animals and anytime we could regain our morality and composure. But consumed by avarice, aggression and lust I reached a different conclusion. I wasn’t a human acting animal, I was an animal acting human. So I left. And that was the beginning of the end.
11 June, 2007: Queen’s birthday holiday (Jane)
“Wake the fuck up you fucking piece of shit, we’ve gotta be out of here in 15 minutes.”
Notice the lack of exclamation marks? I did. Tom delivers everything in monotone. Love, anger, compassion, query. All in the one thick, deep voice. I used to be turned on by it - with his breath in my ear and his chin nuzzling my neck he’d whisper, “I need you,” and that voice would melt me. Now it only serves to highlight the vacuity of his words, their only a soul a lacing of malice and ill-intent.
“I’m not going.”
“What?”
“I’m not going.”
“Fine, suit yourself…. you lazy bitch.”
I curl up tighter and sink deeper into the pillow - knowing that in a few hours I’ll be fucking someone else in this bed. In Tom’s house. Lazy bitch indeed.
Tom leaves and I get up, running myself a bath as I stare in the mirror, looking deep into my own eyes. Without warning an image of the scene to come - strong fingers exploring my pussy, a beautiful, hard cock deep in my throat - flashes across my vision and my eyes light up. I slip off my clothes and get into the bath, knowing I have life in me yet.
The water is perfect and I relax, fingers from my right hand floating over my pussy, brushing the inner thighs of my outstretched legs as I close my eyes. I lie like that, softly floating, for what seems like hours, my mind empty but alive - anticipating the fantasy soon to be played out. Slowly I become active - my hair soaped I perch on the side of the bath and carefully shave my legs and pussy, leaving just a touch of hair above my now swollen clit. I resist the urge to touch - preferring to tease myself by focusing on the warm tingle and growing wetness. I think of that beautiful cock, slowly spreading me, growing harder as it enters, urging deeper and deeper, firmly, sweetly and rhythmically penetrating me. My eyes open for a moment and I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, one hand on my tits, the other running a finger from the base of my opening up through my pussy lips, under then over my clit and back again. I smile - my hands have a life of their own! This time I really do resist the urge to touch and running the shower - the water tinkling as it hits the bath below - I rinse my hair and finish washing my body, pausing only briefly to admire myself in the adjacent mirror. Despite Tom, I am still beautiful.
Brian arrives at 10 am. I’ve dressed in a black knee length skirt, with a dark grey blouse and long “fuck me” boots. Inviting him in to the kitchen I make
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